It's Okay to Feel What You Feel

There is a particular feeling that comes from the contrast between the expected joy of the season and the looming heaviness and dread.  Some of this heaviness might be because of the state of the world and our country.  Other people might feel it because of things going on here in our own community or because of things happening in their own lives.  I know that, for many of us, this strange feeling is become sadly familiar: I can remember a time when the holidays felt like a break from the struggles of the world; but, in recent years, it has become increasingly difficult to put on holiday blinders: many of the world’s issues are simply too big and too foreboding.  If you are feeling these things, no matter the reason why, know that you are not alone.  And whether you use cheery holiday music to give temporary relief or if you need a break from the forced cheer of Christmas ads, know that there is not one correct way to deal with these emotions. However - there are helpful and less-helpful ways to deal with difficult emotions.  One of my favorite tools to deal with big, unwieldy emotions is this: take your emotions seriously but do not trust what they say.

That idea comes from a TED Talk called The Voices in my Head by Dr Eleanor Longden who talks about what it is like to live with schizophrenia, heal from trauma, and become a psychologist. In this talk, she discusses her discovery that the voices she hears come up when her brain is trying to communicate something to her that she is not fully conscience of yet – often something urgent or anxiety producing. She has learned that the voices are normally correct in identifying situations that need her attention but incorrect in their analysis. For example, she described the overwhelming feeling that her family is in danger from an intruder and she needs to protect them and the voices telling her that if she doesn’t they will die. She goes on to explain that the voices are incorrect that there is an intruder that she needs to protect them from, the voices correctly identified that she is worried about her family members because it is a stressful week for them.

While Dr. Longden has a particular neurological condition with some extreme symptoms, I believe most of us have experienced something similar, though to a lesser degree. Some folks are disappointed about the election and feel helpless to change anything, and their inner voice can tell them that society is collapsing, and the world is heading towards a man-made apocalypse.  Some are anxious about our job security and our ability to pay for Christmas presents and that inner voice lashes out and lashes out by telling us to fear of immigrants and people who don’t look like us.  Some are experiencing change, and that inner voice tells us that things will never be as good as they once were, so we should just give up.  Some folks are experiencing setback and dreams that didn’t work out and that inner voice can be cruel telling them that they are a failure.  In all of these situations, it is important to take these emotions seriously, but not to trust what that inner voice is saying.  The first step is often to acknowledge the base emotion being felt: “Am I angry or sad?  Disappointed or grieving?  Am I scared?  If so, what I am really scared of?”  Only after you acknowledge at the center of the issue can you tackle what the voice is saying and analyze how reasonable that response is.

So, as we continue on into Advent, if you are feeling weary and heavy laden, check in with yourself and what you are feeling.  Give yourself a chance to simply feel the emotions that are bubbling up.  It can be scary, but I promise that the sadness and grief will not end you: most often, it will wash over you like a wave.  Give yourself permission to feel those things and then, and only then, see if that inner voice is actually being truthful or is speaking out of a place of pain.

Despite what the Hallmark company would have you think, the Advent season is not about forced happiness and joy.  In the "Christmas movie world", it might be a sin to be unhappy during the holidays, but there is room for sadness, grief, and longing in Advent.  So let yourself feel your feelings – but don’t’ always trust that voice.

​Blessings,
Pastor Chris